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Writing-wise, I didn't find too many issues that slowed me down. However, if you'll allow me to critique this just a bit, I feel you missed a great opportunity to flesh out these two characters more. What the woman is doing is rather bold and bizarre, and I feel that you should have delved deeper into her introduction and how Chase and her interact. How did she know Chase was parentless? Although the woman helped Chase, I think he would have been more hesitant and required more persuasion to agree to her proposal. I would imagine that he wouldn't have much trust in other people, considering his situation. In other words, I think the scene would stand out a bit more if there was a little more back-and-forth interrogation between the two. It could help show clues to their personalities.
Don't take this as me bashing the story. There's a lot of potential in this first chapter that I think you could tap into to really ensnare first-time readers. I wouldn't bother offering advice unless I thought it worth the time. However, you have me intrigued, so I'm going to keep reading. I love the plot setup. You've established interesting questions that tickle my curiosity. I feel like I've got to see how this unfolds. Great job! :)
Honestly, the first 20 chapters were short pieces I did as part of a writing exercise (random daily word limits) so a lot was left out.
I do agree with you. I started editing and fleshing out some of these parts a while back. But I've put the edits on hold to finish the story itself. (This is the 7th book I've attempted over 10 years and it's the furthest I've gotten). I didn't think about their personalities much outside of this first interaction so you might notice some discrepancies later.
Some of the questions you have are answered later in the story. Though I think the story's run on for too long, so some chapters or bits will get cut out later.
Thanks for the feedback. You're right, I've got a lot of improvements and tweaks to make. I hope you continue to enjoy the story.
Regardless, you just keep at it. I'm still pretty interested in the story so far. Like I said in this comment, I really appreciate the different style of plot you're going after in this one. It's not a romance, super hero, or assassin-filled thriller. It's different, with a more wholesome approach which I'm strangely in the mood for. Great job once again. :)
Wow, it's cool that you can get through 2 revisions before publishing. Pretty cool focus you have.
Haha, yeah one of the family stories I wanted to tell. Thanks.
Well guy keep ot up you're writing is amazing and full of suspense.
Thank you, I'm glad you're enjoying the story.