Very well written. This is a perfect catchy opening for a story.


The setting is dark, lovely and exciting and I’m already caught in a believable world. There’s not too much magic or confusing fantasy building yet and I feel worry for the escapes. The scurry feels very real. The main character seems believable in his thought processes and I can see myself in his shoes. There was good ordering of ideas and progression, where to describe and pause, or put thoughts.


Your first paragraph had many incomplete sentences/ clauses. The latter paragraphs had sentences that were also too long or wordy. There’s a paragraph where you use the word 'ground' too many times.


I think you should substitute ‘he’ for another subject word sometimes.


"he forgot about the calm and collected yet brave and strong man, slightly ahead of twenty years old, brown hair with a faint smile and eyes shone with such amber, filling with strength yet soothing as they bore upon him"- Too many ideas in this sentence. You should break it up.


I think you should change some of the main character thoughts into speech for example, when he screamed at the end.


Thank you for the chapter~