- For a thirteen year old this is very well written, clear and has a 'crisp' descriptive voice. 

- the dialogue was very well structured and flowed well 


- The blurb introducing the story could benefit by being cut down. The fantasy premise of the story opens the readers minds to the possibilities of what Paradise could be and the political intrigue alluded to. If you could re write the blurb into a piece that captures the world of fire and fantasy you're trying to relay in an intriguing fashion 

- E.g. (beginning sentence, just a suggestion) 




'Fire was a heart beat she had been deterred from sharing all her life. A

danger she had been warned of, a danger she had embraced despite the harsh kisses it had left on her skin. '

- this all has so much potential and again, very impressed that you're only thirteen and have this skill level, keep it up!