My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcBFcwuNjrX
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHrOc9BAsZh
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmILHsWggCQ
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ38nEfmyDwV
Hmm... 544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbzZvn0yAhX
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNZqpk5G6XS
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn4OphrA0Jy
"You can have have all the adult toys."544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5TnaK8R5WF
Except for the pecker enhancer!544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9ZrFHuGu38
"That's all I need..."544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVba09H1HwP
"Wait!"544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9HxqArj3EZ
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC2Lvn9e0K6
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdLYpHucxSY
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9ZbGtU4WbN
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSpDCqmDOhb
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdD6j6kd3Nj
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFSuGyzfzR0
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaEkKO6hPSM
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdczten51lk
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzAyBFczgrp
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmGdQkrYoda
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ21rqM9xZHT
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkoMsroz4Ud
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnpyVsX0gdC
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKdsu07NYWQ
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT4NWA5HjHK
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKs2kBrSzXT
(Sarah laughs)544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoKETqCilUk
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsmLLjtINUC
"Gosh Darn!"544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnpAucGl1C3
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvLNWHYnkuJ
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsFOx4POrnr
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiElF0I8CyR
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUQCRYZPTOs
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHrANKTM2g2
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQtRau1Txgl
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMh0OfoRwIZ
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE9A11xkSKy
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiY9wxoweA3
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX8qP85mAoy
(Sarah says what)544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcBvCONEL1I
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvMzYAhm6By
(he laughs and Sarah winks)544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwkfEyMdOSl
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡysIWX63qmY
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVsH3rgk9qS
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRdXGOFEyAF
(Keith laughs hard)544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnFRdAIk7ae
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtGWUykHLj5
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaiagBTUM4w
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7b8rdmfkKP
Honey,544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjIhU6SM6rq
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8TjVhs5Fqe
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1llh7DXHWO
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVUsrSVj7oS
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEhS8HafFSd
Keith says,544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ99iffRYLrX
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDY2PDzRw73
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXn6IbgcYF9
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIdLuaa4dRA
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSEgTKECKhO
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZSCMkecnBU
"Ground beef!"544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXs1iFlfTWG
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6rHSITdi26
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMOTkE9kV5g
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkNRpBzCROz
Lawsuits.544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBFOZuRncck
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMiJeVaZfkW
Keith's friends knew him as the 544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhYhAyj2XPe
Clown Jester of Bakersville.544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRg9X6B4A26
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7FP4AlyDzT
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG7elffeyVS
Because he was so outstanding in his field!544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuy3dq6pHPk
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCCiFyxFDVU
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjJUDI7c123
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmOkmEMJ36E
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7bYJrJj58q
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYpjphON4Oz
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB1ktwTlSNx
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGJhPohkaKD
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCakDyFcoKQ
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ00XV2KyEJo
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡosgzE1GpZX
Having heard them all before, many times.544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsk1L8aH30A
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxQnIoGQbOp
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlW08g79Tg0
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5HtUVRNEdP
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW9N6yTFfAX
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmeZ8nbYj8P
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe37AumcFhl
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSsUbWjekh7
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnMkbLs3OMV
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1LPxst02nR
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2QC35GGnIu
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNszQC23r8q
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7ZEhY4BOhZ
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXZbunwvloa
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLJwNl73st0
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡknWzJVPzzg
(audience chuckles)544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNswIFl2EbM
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1sckriX5Kt
I haven't heard from him since.544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7sceWeTlWA
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVLkEV2GXNl
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgYu68Zk13Y
(audience laughing)544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ04KP9LpTTk
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVk5L6MKvfa
She still isn't talking to me.544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNls9AiV52V
(Keith smiles)544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvMJLawEjDL
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG8ODOnARtB
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlLryogGRtQ
but I am on the fence!544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzga73k0rbi
(audience laughing hard)544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7YfbGUnXDE
[He gets on a roll]544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5lLBUvapNn
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkiG5l6locK
She gave me a hug!544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgnSU9tEfro
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxpm7u1PKyX
Hey!544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc9mO9pYJr1
What is the worst combination of illnesses?544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoLnJ43uPgV
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwzfUxzgw4E
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1aEtcEw2Ds
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7uAHl3rR8Y
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmemU6TTAjx
How do you get a squirrel to like you?544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY0jkKRSkmk
Act like a nut.544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAJ0aZb5OM9
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9AurORrttw
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMqLZ4UqVLY
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgaq9DdpHbD
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡldctQoD1yM
So I Left.544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyQOQqmOz5f
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsFm0E3y2Dj
"The steaks were pretty high!"544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrj4J6xmpxh
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlwlhTO8bT7
Goodnight!"544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMFHDeaJ1KY
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRG1or1rm6l
He went home happier544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7jjEqIWmRP
than he ever
Dreamed!544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjefoBNuEIu
544Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSXKoYkZdfT
© Charles Kemp
ns216.73.216.82da2
and then Add to home screen.