My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI5kw6QAmzR
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1YSqEINzYm
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL5XUY8X0Bj
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbQmeMqWdBX
Hmm... 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyMEyfG4uoH
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK8MCLVBH8W
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxRoleIjslq
"You can have have all the adult toys."545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡliLrWR2iaS
Except for the pecker enhancer!545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpnOKoRcB71
"That's all I need..."545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUvelmrVXro
"Wait!"545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOZKzfgQxY4
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmGXzBoit9b
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyU5K9VNuDV
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2es8DWj4gq
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ150W8EssPD
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy5N2FrwInn
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhwJoIiLoFL
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlAQudEpdNi
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTEiNhSHG22
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMiUKvRkvH5
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR5OGFEluux
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCfBPa7uroJ
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Gbxtz23uu
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrJ3y3YCXZm
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKGDrMWZWaf
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmlwh21oea5
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCPoVX4Cxsn
(Sarah laughs)545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrpXlJKzIa1
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgdyDwRIJ4R
"Gosh Darn!"545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuLawhwWTwt
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4xFddu2Noe
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡunB4JJ9JKM
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWLPplL7jIp
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb26bwxbFML
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwrHLRihZjB
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGAXlUOtg57
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZDT45wzoBN
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFDlkwgHWOa
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmFUzemLhfx
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCenaGRTNsP
(Sarah says what)545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVxd4deDcc1
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAyReBvNAYO
(he laughs and Sarah winks)545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx4l0Llto9O
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4pH8HWQ7ND
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwKlbPoXrP3
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdNwX0MJRdr
(Keith laughs hard)545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXOpiO4SugR
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEzTnB98zKZ
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPjctx5FKZC
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3qOF9pEjgi
Honey,545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQxEw6SSHrK
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡblKgI9Xj3r
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4UwHRm2Q2w
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD91yTf4D9I
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVdWCwHumOY
Keith says,545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZE1ExIwuSH
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhyrjDO4f3v
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGOJ5VuxHIK
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyf4biSXGTf
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡemVr8nEVeI
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvurzL3g7Gv
"Ground beef!"545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxrPO9N5da1
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEy9CgrgHG2
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo4BIMwXvBG
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOcyQDisrVG
Lawsuits.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc2VLhQj4Yy
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyKEaw0QaOH
Keith's friends knew him as the 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡASUtYr3H5N
Clown Jester of Bakersville.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡch5zFJ6aQ8
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb7rLpe5WTD
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG4YBr0QX2S
Because he was so outstanding in his field!545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0VXp5VZinH
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMOkzM2gTp6
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0mftxJ5Ark
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJw8uGEvGWw
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8oCBFertjI
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbHC2c40HIC
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH8xpswpQ0v
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ43uwfhC5dQ
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUED4DTSWQD
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH1MSI5IL5e
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7Lly6eVjUU
Having heard them all before, many times.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeP3CL663uF
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqxgs6hZPtI
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi9GY5ypqgP
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9IhL6DNfBV
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlwhNtkiVLF
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9CUKQP5Nu7
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSwFAUPWxFa
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEziS4y1C7t
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoWm3q0sa2l
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡARH3vQn4Sm
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK9U869N5h9
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGm319iVCRL
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0sdM1HpsnI
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRTTH5NyZ0H
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡROWXbFBoJO
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3xXWvY08QY
(audience chuckles)545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUHnMgMJ8t2
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡltQK9LmoiP
I haven't heard from him since.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuzqZwckjJu
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrfef6X8cja
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDIrvVdgpj5
(audience laughing)545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3XEhwZhZF4
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8TGIExw0XR
She still isn't talking to me.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5Fb2OaeD4e
(Keith smiles)545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUYX4oXz33F
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrDmjkKzOFZ
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCQWEdAstgW
but I am on the fence!545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiGNHAvmMXQ
(audience laughing hard)545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEMdzHOqvCv
[He gets on a roll]545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU5INkqzyTb
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDruKXftQss
She gave me a hug!545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7kiMkIUTw8
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3rj80ZOAAc
Hey!545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡceV1G4kN7T
What is the worst combination of illnesses?545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvZdlIfH2p4
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWQ9pxD0Muy
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWO0m3e0BtF
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8tgzvTqDgA
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeUaS9vGlIn
How do you get a squirrel to like you?545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbQRmsXZr4P
Act like a nut.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOgkywQqb70
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3yzQGGHREn
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYHMuuNyFGA
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxopHSeVdIH
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAkarScwuJT
So I Left.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5EDTjghz16
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvFSSlUIXml
"The steaks were pretty high!"545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGPI790fEBj
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtVadiijK6b
Goodnight!"545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8TKI3fkkup
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUUEVQtDapN
He went home happier545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhdK9pHXr9P
than he ever
Dreamed!545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKL4IuPXySO
545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡteFuIYOFIk
© Charles Kemp
ns216.73.216.82da2
and then Add to home screen.