My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh2Wfgz7k8a
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡStDWKfIvSO
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBGhS99URJN
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLrb28MaJDC
Hmm... 551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0LeAw24I5r
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZnJuKjAE6O
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZHS6E01Nic
"You can have have all the adult toys."551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAKZ5cSfP39
Except for the pecker enhancer!551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo8SLFH0DsR
"That's all I need..."551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpaYpCwDuNb
"Wait!"551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxQaPnHcBUB
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDJVRR21yRv
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZo2wbRT9Db
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡttcLeJwU8c
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTDvqGFD2GO
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFwvsgso6eW
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1R0PMeZb6Y
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpwcfPqTehO
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs6VZF1kPQF
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRxVP5UhGKi
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyjsAZsA26X
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6KKVOi791f
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJyYceYwPOI
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqTtAomiHQj
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaOxzFMuHkk
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo0LDXJZrRC
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5TBnb8gqDn
(Sarah laughs)551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxF0bJc6Fnj
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4IWjdzOjUQ
"Gosh Darn!"551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKDeRA2Fmed
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdZLIhPApQ2
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKCIModRcPS
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLvxvxhGEkm
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYZkVcsP1lN
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHMGtidjzBM
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK9PPoDMFoR
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgeg7HalY4t
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwdmRdFRmLQ
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoedvM07Mg5
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0ecB78VO9Q
(Sarah says what)551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6Lg0vU0iBI
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXlKYBBy7xO
(he laughs and Sarah winks)551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm5pyEVAuEZ
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh8UCP0nv1S
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4S231NIE7M
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡql33wXxtCY
(Keith laughs hard)551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcWgeZq0Tym
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDWXp1m1rPW
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHRmvU35xku
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡonyVSqQCHq
Honey,551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM9GZH18tJI
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡumRkt8BZxm
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsjOArdcw9T
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAWmYDoy3Bw
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOVs7hq1Rgc
Keith says,551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8y31vDF3o0
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW3Mz1sJ7Iw
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVZDpDxiofI
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1a21bNOP6K
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZrCyIBeveR
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf2OAQIAJtp
"Ground beef!"551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxrrqsQkVMX
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbzXyBjYx8Q
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDddOSWyZPM
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQraerUZAIQ
Lawsuits.551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡncTCxNgB18
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxY523ui5uy
Keith's friends knew him as the 551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNxk3KH1y5l
Clown Jester of Bakersville.551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnez6nzxDYR
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ05RHva53lI
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDtRELmKnyw
Because he was so outstanding in his field!551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgbinh89Uyo
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKGnVBWN881
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTgYgVaCfrj
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjzXqlYR1U0
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwg4WrZmkFN
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ27FBMgrHic
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbDfq4HXCKk
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhAmgGBadpf
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHUbpJeVhwL
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1JIYSAQaZJ
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3QXCosimgL
Having heard them all before, many times.551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC5NMIG4PJt
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaPblWCUqZI
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ96XQn7V1QG
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTg1crm5cMm
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDUeiUmyQkP
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTDhKujWRd7
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMsfifN0fis
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFG3G8hSdkj
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLssGCBjLTW
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpIkmEg3AhV
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS1NlvLTJia
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiy7u3yfOMl
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrPP068wbkQ
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjNpXOCm46X
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5uCaiSiLGC
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOasV9rp0Ql
(audience chuckles)551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRJ9vrWdp36
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxBxj8EaMGK
I haven't heard from him since.551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAicc4uMNRI
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyBPkQsCIVc
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx2EkQkektk
(audience laughing)551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnRMKayEOmp
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoktx2jn95f
She still isn't talking to me.551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9wTdxqXhfo
(Keith smiles)551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuu8vtW1H9z
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfnpL4tY5RY
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2f4ap9HinD
but I am on the fence!551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡStVyiOVrO2
(audience laughing hard)551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUqHWcS2gYt
[He gets on a roll]551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiljUhSOMEG
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoG0diAjAZk
She gave me a hug!551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ61qgxa49lB
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSkOQiIEX03
Hey!551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrn9Ve7GMrz
What is the worst combination of illnesses?551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH3PDlHNSgy
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRzHpk8eyiW
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxgAPvZMEGy
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8OrEPfO1eO
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ97c1KbtD4b
How do you get a squirrel to like you?551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWoBIfaiikx
Act like a nut.551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPaEEcBfwfe
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3eL7rSQXQw
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqt1MaDzC8C
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFKtne7G4xi
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8ts7GTEFwX
So I Left.551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTAWJjzfeAO
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK5AU43pr8j
"The steaks were pretty high!"551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB6KavBzue9
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgIbDlT9g8l
Goodnight!"551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2wCMUv8XnD
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ02YRhE0ycd
He went home happier551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6e308R01RE
than he ever
Dreamed!551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaVPDEk8htE
551Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡECi9pAzp5Z
© Charles Kemp
ns216.73.216.82da2
and then Add to home screen.