the way i feel

as you are, not what i want you to be

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0bku8ftdq6

What I love about you isn’t solely based on the perception or impression you give me or the rest of the world.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfVlnuWA3z0

What I love about you are all the reasons why you don’t believe I can love you or that anyone should love you to the depths that I do.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAwGJj7OZgR

Your strengths and grace in what you know and are may make you beautiful, but your weaknesses and insecurities make you perfect for me.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtDFio9F3Ls

When I look into your eyes, I see what other men choose not to see. I accept what other men can’t or won’t accept. Choosing to love you will be the easiest thing I’ll ever do, but losing you will be the hardest feat I’d have to overcome.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD6UdL38T17

I can’t promise in the future, I won’t harm you. I can’t promise that I’ll always be the perfect man.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQBSTpNKyup

What I can promise is to learn from my mistakes, to have patience with you even when I don’t have patience with myself and to trust you with every fiber of my being. We may live to grow old together, we may not.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8L5fmVlyMK

No matter when, no matter what time we have now I’ve come to realize the paradox I find myself in: It will always be enough and it will never be enough; I will always be blessed as I will always be cursed.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWwffZnmTMa
Every day that passes makes me joyful because I’m free of the delusion that someone couldn’t love me, when I’m with you I don’t have to hide who I truly am, who I’ve forgotten I could be.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO3SEOn8lKA

Every day that passes makes me miserable because I know I have fewer days with you than I’d like. If I could have one wish, it would be to go back in time and relive all the moments we’ve shared.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJZcquxFOaA

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly because none of the great memories would have ever existed without our struggles. The pain has helped us love harder, appreciate the time we have, and give us the patience to love each other in all our forms.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhj3mEgATZ8

I vow to love you as you are and not stand in the way of who you want to be. I love you, and I vow to love you for the rest of my life, regardless of where this journey takes us.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJcpdSDGjNL

For you, I would do anything and everything, all you have to do is ask.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZVHOhidkC4

Solo

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCqM1sKFGTE

I have never been much of a talker, I’m comfortable with blending in the background and letting the rest have their fun.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNDT6Hf2KK0

It's hard enough for me to focus and get outside of my head, so being in the present or having a conversation is truly difficult and sometimes feels like an impossible task.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa4gv9k8lp8

Don’t get me wrong, when I speak and join in, it's fulfilling and people tend to be fond of me, but that doesn’t make it any easier to partake in any social environment.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtLDLTdMy6i

I thrive in isolation, especially when I get my hands on a project dealing with creativity or using my imagination whether it is to create music, write, digital art, or an invention for random issues that I am ill-equipped to bring to fruition outside of the digital realm and into reality.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY28SmODCcs

If I’m not in a constant state of flow, I don’t feel any purpose and shortly begin to lose interest in anything at hand that doesn’t seem productive.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡarDXKRSdDP

What doesn’t help is that none of my creations have any substance outside of my laptop, it's so much easier to create, save, and then return to it later without committing to more.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0sQLkw9xCF

All I am is committed to fantasizing about what I feel would make my life better; falling in love with the random girl who stares at me from across the room, waiting for her to smile at me so I can approach while thinking of a hundred different conversations we could have and the best way for me to make a good impression.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtipkHdm1Uk

I think about a life with this person; how our worlds would collide and we’d both be better off for it until finances get in the way, my living situation being back home with my parents, my sobriety which will always mean I’m an addict whether I am sober or not.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsrRqp3LVqq

In minutes I think of everything that could go right, and then everything that could go wrong. I’ve always been in love with falling in love.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhHm4VhUB8f

It's beautiful because love encompasses everything, there’s pain, sorrow, guilt, vanity, and sacrifice, but on the other hand, there is joy, passion, and companionship, that takes dedication, commitment, communication, and choosing to love and be with someone every day, in all of their forms.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVctjW1V3y3

Honesty

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI04xAkzV55

None of it matters the finances, the weight, my looks, my intelligence, my job, my mental illness, my routine, etc.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2KJ3dNhs51

It’s just all an excuse because I don’t deserve love.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVDQaop9Dar

I have vehemently pushed aside good things, good friends, good relationships, especially good women.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm4dbX0s9OH

I don’t want to feel like I deserve it.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmqSlxtlNKp

I don’t want to make the time to actually improve, I just want to live doing the minimal, avoiding as much pain as possible.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSED28T5sqj

I don’t have control and I never will. I am sad. I feel lonely, but at this point, this must be what I want.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8b2nM5dP23

In any relationship, I refuse to get close unless the other person can provide me with comfort and ease.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY7J6AdHtTd

I’m a narcissist, I only feed off of other people like a leech, a parasite, more like a vampire.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj0AfQvo1Fj

Being sensitive and conforming all the time has become my nature.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFSizcRq0mV

Im not only addicted to Alcohol, Nicotine, and Marijuana.…

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTdISULkFaR

Im addicted to suffering and draining the people who love me most because I’m not even sure I love them the way they love me.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5pVWZUdJEo

I just don’t try,

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOvo6mhb6Uu

I don’t want to try. Its easier to be everything, but me. Its less complicated.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBzjviTpTf5

I dont want to be scrutinized because I already know how terrible I am as a human being.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn7mZZY21wr

I can’t even say I’ve tried hard not be everything I hate. I am extremely intelligent and I limit myself.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTEZqOcmv1Y

I make unwise choices because when I hate failing.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvxlQfNZdsx

I hate being feeling less. I hate being less, actually I love being less.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfDAgJHkpKq

Confusion and complexity is the only thing I strive for which is why I never want to work on myself.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCw3pV6auxE

I could read an unquantifiable number of books, do drugs, sleep with anyone, fall in love with anyone and it’ll never be enough.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡps7fSOYnbm

I will never be enough for myself and that is why I will never be anything more than what I am today or what I was the day before and I’m not okay with that, but I’m scared. I’m deathly afraid of me, I don’t know if I could even handle knowing the person I have become.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuY0qyAB93s

I wish I had the courage to liberate myself instead of always convincing myself to liberate others.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfqwKdLIHmM

Fond Of

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFo1TWmyOew

What im fond of..

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlkcNW2dzbs

I am fond of memories, until im not

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGanQ6U9cKg

I am fond of love, until im not

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBtLsZZMx53

I am fond of fairytales, until im not

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTvFdE8LZQU

I am fond of family, until im not

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoRRXxJMQhl

I am fond of life, until im not

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtBjMgFH7hL

I am fond of giving, until im not

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr5EdmkKG3u

I am fond of you because this.. I cannot and will not stop

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXfcVV2534T

Paranoia

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj9r15wa13X

Every day, being aware of your thoughts, but not just the act of thinking.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ62ItJ9zpJG

Organizing, Rationalizing, and battling the sequence, the line of insecurities, the paranoia, the way I perceive the world around me.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9yDHs7v1ye

Its the same assumption, more like accusations every 24 hours:

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfx03ZN3EGt

Are they laughing at me?

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCzEVuSOwB3

Do they think I’m ugly?

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMkArD3KfrU

Do they laugh because I’m ugly?

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMTeeqtNWuo

They must be looking at me because there is something wrong with me.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCpcyDDwz7x

Is there something wrong with me?

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOvEcvkIO30

Why do I care? Why do I let myself care?

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpXo8ooEWoP

Is she looking at me?

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr4GKPcDY0Q

I wish she would look at me.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTxNNkd8c2L

Why isn’t she interested?

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpPo8YkyhlO

Do I even want her to be interested?

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2vZ1s4f9oY

Its better if she isn’t.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy9vtaG233i

Im not in the right head space, financial stability, patience, looks, or the fact I’m not interesting enough.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcCHZoCeghU

Am I enough?

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ08RR3yr6bI

Will I ever be enough?

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTpGQHntTHp

If I eat this am I going to be fat?

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFd0fJ9q3Tb

Am I going to be even more unattractive?

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbOrZfsTvKs

If I don’t pray, if I don’t show gratitude, if I don’t give mercy to others, how can I expect it from God?

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2lIXW6ju7r

Does god even want to hear from me?

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP8F0FK84bJ

I don’t want to pray because Im tired and it feels like a waste of my time.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMLj5WKFmd4

When I do speak to God, does he take the time to listen when I have doubts, practically have zero faith?

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm9yhUaT3kj

Am I just a loser who lives at home with Mom and Rick? Are they helping me or am I just manipulating them?

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd8XN7CB0Dn

Love Her

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuC4VviPPDj

How can I begin to liberate myself from this burden of loops consisting of only what ifs?

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8p9MQFsGEC

Some days I think about you until dawn.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZiO7fE8kQ2

Most days now, I am restless.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaqdOfskjNJ

Producing, then digesting mountains of fantasies hoping theirs a side of you that sees what I do.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNsEzSm66q5

Still, we repel and with each passing moment, I bleed.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOcP5KLQ5sH

I lose all sense of consciousness and am yours.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs5hgudg5QJ

Am I fool or a hopeless romantic?

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9CVimKKjik

Is there a clear distinction between the two?

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I find myself treading along a silver lining.

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She believes she’s lead by kismet, but how can that be with a leash around its neck?

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV2ZzHPeWTe

This path she walks erodes her.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeo42ctgl20

It erodes me.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ12uaxZ09wW

I feel it on her skin when we touch.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS2blGYbDFi

Spiraling

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHG3Gtx1ho7

I am losing my mind all over again and I’m afraid of what can and will happen next.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz1a3SI6iGY

There is so much that I need, but I think they are just things I want which is a huge difference.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡurweiD5OwE

Its not a bad to want something, but to cling onto it as if it’ll fix everything, or the key to my happiness is where I fall short.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbbccQuL279

I keep on focusing on the outside, external factor that are the issue, but I don’t attempt to fix the broken pieces inside of me.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn0AfuZ9cDT

I need to be validate in everything I do, or else I’ll never be good enough.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxVJiKomrMv

There is a wickedness inside of me that I feed.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3a2X8QgkwZ

I believe in all the negative and rarely the positive.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4vexmByP4p

I am getting much better and more mindful about the decisions and life choices im making, but that doesn’t mean I’m okay.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgFRCM54hxN

Because im not. I’m not okay.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNlnX8JNpMU

I dont want to with anyone because im scared of being rejected.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ82bSCc3n8l

Im scared of getting close to someone else and not pulling through or giving them too much of me.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIVt2dSW2BF

I know that if I got to that point and something bad happens like a break up, too many fights, different life plans/future, I’d be utterly devastated.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpO5ymeejbt

I can barely hold myself together as is.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR1XPD2G5iv

I wake up in the morning when I wish I could be dreaming.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0bGGnVEYLX

I go downstairs and make myself an awesome smoothie with strawberries, bananas, cinnamon sugar almond butter oats and some milk.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7Ch24F37p9

Its really fucking good.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGrdPvQDxaJ

I watch tv for about an hour or less, take my medicine and then head to the gym.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl0lZxJZLQs

I park my car closer to the bank which is further away from Planet Fitness because I like walking the distance.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmKyRepOMji

I enter the gym, swipe my barcode with my membership and ask for 20 minutes on the Hydromassage.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ70oAdYlH8

After I go stretch for 10 to 15 minutes, lift for another 20 to 30 minutes, then walk for an hour while reading my books.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4f87FGTOiN

I get to read like 30 pages which I really enjoy, but lately its all felt monotonous, I am struggling to do the things that I used to really enjoy.

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I stretch for another 10 to 15 minutes or hit the hydromassage for another 10 minutes.

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This is when I leave and head back home.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeUYJoA2af7

Going back home I look forward to eating, sometimes showering, making myself eggs , drinking some protein powder (double chocolate).

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYs1Qj2WknU

I sit to watch something on Netflix, Hulu, Prime or YouTube while promoting my music.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvhmwlfzTuk

Sometimes Ill make music, sometimes, Ill write a story or create some digital art.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVlegaUrXP5

Lately, I’ve been getting into rom coms and feel good movies to distract myself.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk5w98kCi4v

I want to be convinced that something good lies ahead.

761Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFa9e9Odj8j

I want to believe that something real and tangible is going to happen.

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