BLOOD AND HUMAN MEAT
Phobia from the perspective of a girl named Khushi.Written by a friend who finally decided to tell her story.
I love animals.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ40nVZtZoXv
I really do.But I can’t go near them. Not because I’m scared of them—But because I’m scared of me.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVKMboi8whw
I’ve always had this... space inside me.An emptiness that hums. It feels cold and loud and quiet all at once.I try to ignore it. But sometimes it whispers.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTzbnRjahKs
And sometimes, it screams.
I remember the first time it really happened.One second I was laughing with my younger brother—The next, I was slamming his head into the table.Again.And again.And again.Until he stopped moving.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFCOQFAsmmg
I didn’t want to.But I couldn’t stop.When it was over, I cried so hard I couldn’t breathe.That was the day I knew: something was wrong with me.
It got worse.I started craving blood. Not in a fantasy way. In a physical way.I imagined tearing into the people I loved.My parents.My friends.Alive.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlS06hyVUha
Their skin. Their smell. Their muscles pulling away from bone.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡroAayr9LlN
I stopped eating. I stopped sleeping. I stopped touching anyone.To keep them safe, I hurt myself.Scratched my skin raw.Bruised my own body with blunt objects.I counted 110 scars across my legs, my arms, my torso—like tally marks in a prison I built myself.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0IwAlfHCwg
I didn’t want to die.I wanted to be caged.
For one year, I rotted quietly.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl2yVn3hlKN
Then one night, I caught myself watching my father with a hunger in my eyes that terrified me.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp1eWRSJm18
I left home the next day.
I moved into a PG far from the city.I begged for a single room. Didn’t get it.Luckily, my roommates were never there when I was.It was like the world was giving me space to fall apart.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6RMNEmOa2G
I tried to die seven times.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNAhlSBp2He
Jumped from a balcony.Held a knife to my throat.Grabbed a live wire.Stood in front of speeding cars.I always failed. Some part of me—just a thread—held on.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8XoeZamFWh
But the cravings didn’t stop.So I bought handcuffs. Three of them.Every night, I locked my wrists and ankles together before bed, just in case.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa5UwTFfV06
I didn’t want to become a monster in my sleep.
Six months later, I stood naked in front of a mirror and counted the injuries again.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq4YoM8w8Mc
There were more now.Too many to hide.Too many to keep living like this.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz2P6SU5IC7
So I asked for help.
The psychologist listened. Didn’t flinch.He said my obsession with blood and flesh was a twisted coping mechanism.A need for control.A desperate scream for power in a world where I once felt powerless.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmuVPP9RoMb
He said something inside me had snapped long ago.Something I'd never been taught to name.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDwSC94IVs3
Now I’ve been in treatment for three months.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvhiHNXSZI9
Still breathing.Still afraid.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3yuWK1zu2V
Still me.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be "better."I don’t even know what “better” looks like.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnA3CrmxhSf
But at least now, the monster isn’t hiding.It’s sitting across from me in the mirror.And we’re learning how to live together—without killing anyone.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa3fn6KQfDC
Not today.Not again.
[Optional Epilogue: From an Outsider’s Eyes]
21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLpBS0ixTf7She talks like she’s made of glass, but her eyes are iron.You wouldn’t know what she’s survived unless she told you. You wouldn’t believe her even if she did.But I do. Because sometimes the ones who scare themselves the most… are the ones still trying to protect the world from their darkness.21Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxpLZGXchI9
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