The first weeks were hell.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuinG2s7c6C
What you produced, those bright, unholy screams, could have driven even demons insane. And I was not far from it.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv8jfw4pKzT
But keeping you alive was the highest priority.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgSj2awc485
Newborns want milk. Milk, of all things. Blood was easier to come by: a sleeping wanderer at the edge of the forest, that took care of itself. Milk, however, was a logistical plague.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ04tqiqBJkL
I could not simply show up in the village. The pale stranger, always at dusk, buying the same thing over and over. People always talk.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdu9d1Xr0D1
So I made arrangements.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtNhy0tbEiQ
Through the gossip of old women I knew that goat’s milk was said to be better for infant stomachs than cow’s milk.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzIw7s92FUb
I struck a deal with a nearly blind farmer on the edge of the village.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMsKx4eEQMf
Sometimes I watched him on my rounds. He hobbled to the livestock before sunrise, feeling his way along the fence, sometimes speaking tenderly, sometimes harshly to the animals. I never seriously thought of using him as a blood source. First, the risk of being caught was too great. Second, he had already been beaten enough by life.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLIjzMAyFfr
I was sure he did not live alone. He must have had a family, children, grandchildren who cared for him. Alone, blind and limping, no one survives that long.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGEvmKaKgPh
One morning I intercepted him.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡicYyGexTvW
“Who’s there? I can hear you since the barn,” the farmer growled.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJol8ugydsG
“God bless, farmer. I need milk. Every morning at this hour, from the goat.” I put on my friendliest smile, though he could hardly see it. Still, the old man was suspicious.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWmJOlfhbMY
“Plenty want milk. None come this cursed early.” His nose twitched slightly and I knew why. No matter how often I wash, I always smell faintly of rot.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPkByXQwapE
Not like the plague corpses in the house. More like an old chapel that has existed too long. Of old stone and rotting wood. That comes with my condition. My body does not live, but it no longer ages. It is dead.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTCt62VeY6F
“I will pay a silver coin per week if you leave the jug at the stall. I will put the money under the stone.”325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6ocgh6L7LI
“What is your name? Where are you from?” He blinked, feeling along my face.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Cug9gC646
“Do you want the money or not?”325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW0QCC7dt44
The old man nodded. “I am old. Milk is milk, money is money. Everything else is none of my business.”325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN8doV2I9eA
And he delivered reliably. It was always lukewarm, fatty, often with flies in it. So it was fresh.
Every night the same ritual. Into the forest, an animal for me, goat’s milk for you, back to the house, the jug in my hand like a deranged wet nurse out of a dark fable. Always hoping you had not yet woken. Most often you had. Your screams sliced the silence as I neared the house. Sharp, pleading. And by all gods, how they cut through my marrow.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOHjA4mGwky
A vampire rushing up stone steps, the bottle clutched tight. And you stretched your little arms out to me and the moment I held you, the moment I offered you the milk, you went quiet. It was bothersome. It was impractical. It was devastating.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBmYGJEzGtn
I missed not a single night.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaPa8aR34ch
Still, I made countless mistakes.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡifMYl5yVdH
Warmth equals comfort, I thought. Only, I am undead. My sense of warmth is distorted.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN4vtHuA5Gh
So I did what any clueless vampire would do. I laid you on the only wooden table in the kitchen, wrapped in my cloak, while I poured milk into a dented pan. I blew the fire until the milk began to steam. You cried, I tried to ignore it and focused on keeping the milk from boiling over.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4NFovICnLx
I filled an old goat skin, so hot that even now I still hear the screaming in my ears when I pressed it to your lips.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhn2q2eqEmZ
You screamed like a pig at slaughter. I dropped the goatskin. Milk splattered, steaming across the cold stone floor.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVcWblLrS6c
I held you desperately, rocked you somehow soothingly, while I cursed myself in every language I knew.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb7LT3UUDRd
I spent the next hour like a clumsy village maid, cooling the milk on the window ledge until it stopped steaming and I could say with certainty:325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnkGglOenx5
“This one… will not burn her.”
But your picky taste lasted only a few days.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGHUzHcTXZG
“What a miserable appetite,” I mocked one night as I held the cooled goat’s milk to your mouth as if it were a cursed artifact. After a few days you spat it out as if I had poured swamp water into you.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEskPBgq80g
“Picky like a noble brat and you can’t even speak,” I growled, frustrated. I had to find what worked. Goat’s milk you now rejected.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFgUzjEuOVE
The next morning I struck a new deal with the farmer, cow’s milk this time.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3R83BPs7l1
You liked that best. But it agreed with you the least. As soon as the bottle was empty, the wailing began anew. You squirmed as if I had fed you hot coals. I held you against my body the way I had seen wet nurses do. I walked the room, swaying you gently, speaking soft words.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0UErNFHPra
Nothing helped. I had never acted according to a manual, did not even have one.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6ecJdBvmw7
Then for the first time I thought of Grellborn. Not because I wanted to see him but because my alternatives were running out.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDGVoAE4yXO
Grellborn, a geriatric, half-rotted herbalist who always claims he was once created by lightning. I rather think he was conceived during a lukewarm summer rain that retreated after five minutes.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPjGghr12h9
I spare him because he is useful. He knows which herbs induce other states of mind, it drives away the endless boredom of eternity. And because his blood would taste musty. I sometimes confide my secrets to him, he forgets them anyway.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzHyoHHgWKX
For his very generous services I sometimes hunt him a rabbit or fetch some bones from a crypt for his powders. He says the cold in the crypt has begun to ache in his joints. I think he is simply afraid and will not admit it. Over the years a kind of purpose-friendship developed between us.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxAaDjdaPuD
Because for reasons unknown my father found it important to teach a bastard Latin, I translate old books and scrolls on herbalism, alchemy or whatever druids consider important. Grellborn then sells the goods under the table.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSbfaEDyhgj
When Grell takes them to market discreetly, the translations bring in a side income and he gets twenty percent of the proceeds for his trouble.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQFVu7DsrAN
I offered him more but he refused with following words:
“More is never more, Szandor. It is only heavier to carry.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeAogDZz5Xm
What you own also owns you.”
I could have strangled him for his pseudo-intellectual wisdom, but I had just woken up.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF4HcBUuXZC
He handled the worldly things while I served my curse.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKH97307ceE
I wrapped you in my cloak and went to Grellborn. Not a long way, but every time an ordeal. Visiting him usually meant admitting defeat. I was used to fending for myself. Visiting him meant admitting a defeat to myself.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1TpONdeqyA
The path led past rock and cold rivers mixed with the dense pine forests of Vargarin, through the mire that caked my boots to the ankles.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1febJGfKYy
As if I were a stable boy again. I did not want to be reminded of that.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXL55qHJfMg
You grew briefly quiet in my arms. Too exhausted to go on screaming. It never lasted long. The pain must have been cruel for you.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxn8F1hn2Ry
I walked faster. Wolves should not scent us. And your howling I wanted to hear even less.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlJfbcoLWjp
My cloak snagged everywhere. On rotted branches, on twigs that reached for me like greedy hands. I tore myself free, cursed, trudged on.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR0SESwZkn1
Your small body was like a bird wrapped in a wolf’s pelt. So easy to break and yet so hard to ignore.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMcDttfD7az
It was like my own curse. To feel how near life and death lie and be unable to do anything about it.
Like me, Grellborn lived hidden at the foot of the Grymm Mountains in the dense conifer forest. His hut was simpler than my two-story manor, half swallowed by the forest, easy to miss if one did not know what to look for.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR2AMu53MEz
A simple structure of wood and clay, roofed with straw. So old that moss had long formed a second roof. Stones stacked into low walls where he grew his herbs and plants.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpLNtZb7U8L
I did not knock. I just entered. As always.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOcPREZOUZp
The hearth on the wall was already nearly out. Only embers glowed in the dark. I shut the door louder than necessary. On purpose. As always the whole room smelled of an earthy blend of mildew, herbs hanging over the hearth and old smoke. Grellborn had fallen asleep by the fire. The pipe had fallen onto his belly, crumbs of tobacco scattered. Now he was awake, not least because of your screaming.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXswfuVvTnN
“Uuhh,” he groaned and blinked out from under bushy white brows without looking at me. I had just opened my mouth to say something but you beat me to it and screamed full force into my ear. I growled, tore you from my shoulder and slammed you unceremoniously onto the only table in the room. Grellborn’s eyes snapped open. He turned in his chair to me, his eyes flicking confused between me and you. Then he smiled mischievously.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT8SPeHZtwp
“Ha by God, Szandor. What is this noise? Shall I fetch the exorcist?” Grellborn rose slowly and groaning from his chair.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMRt63RCcbK
I ran a hand through my hair, jaw clenched.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9F4Ti6Dra8
“She does not stop. Days on end. I do not know what to do anymore.” I was beside myself, as if the last thread of self-control would snap.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0gbNvBFQaa
“And before you ask, no, I am not the father. I found her a few days ago. In the forest. Just help me before I throw this brat into the river,” I almost shouted.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡARTSt2Sz44
Grellborn said nothing more. He understood. Gently he took you from the cloak, bent over, felt your belly.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcjiCwVMsOJ
“What have you given her?”325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYTd91eJ9M4
“Cow’s milk,” I replied dryly.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgq6IHGo15u
“By all the holy river nymphs, Szandor… Cow’s milk sits heavy in a baby’s belly.” He laid a hand on your forehead. I rolled my eyes.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsB1rXAwAk0
“She refuses any other milk. Cow is the only one she does not spit out.”325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN0d8wVFFaL
Grellborn turned his head to me. “Ah. She is like you. Picky with a flair for drama.” After a deep breath he reached for his staff and shuffled through his hut while I muttered under my breath, “I am not dramatic.”
Grell’s hut was always a sharp contrast to the cold, harsh mountain surroundings. The moment you stepped in, a diffuse scent of smoke, all sorts of herbs and Grell’s own smell enveloped your nose. Bundles of herbs hung from the ceiling beams like dried bats. A hearth on the wall kept one from freezing, and with the candles on the table in the corner the hut itself became a pleasant orange glow that never seemed to go out, especially in winter when darkness and frost lurked outside.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwmCKji85z5
He opened a few drawers, each creaking as if the worm-eaten wooden box wanted to die. Then he pulled a clay bowl from the shelf and crumbled various dried leaves into it with surprisingly steady hands, crushing them gently in the mortar.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh4gFv4qJ60
“There. Fennel, chamomile, a touch of valerian. Not for exorcism but for a child’s gut.”
Eventually, after many nights I found out: cow’s milk, heated to exact body temperature and sweetened with honey, was the only thing you liked. Herbs helped against the cramps. I crushed them fresh as Grellborn had shown me, let them steep in barely cooled water and dabbed the brew into your mouth with a cloth or gave you a bottle of it. At least you had no more pain.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ8GoQjBJmm
And if all else failed, only one thing calmed you. My voice. My voice, monotone and deep. No feeling. No rise, no fall. Only the steady murmuring of a creature that had long forgotten what sleep sounded like.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaBignmYAka
You were so small I thought a strong sneeze would snap your spine.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQIaEPenDYE
I held you against me, my arm under your tiny head, the bottle at the right angle.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWerArang0S
It should have bored me. To my own surprise it did not.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkHwL4f4E8m
I watched your contented face. Felt your warmth against my chest, your heart beating far too fast. And then came that thought, piercing and intrusive.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE2AaHH7Dom
I could drain her dry. And instead I give her life.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4zQVt3Q2LF
This reversal amused me. I, the hunter, you, the prey. And yet… I nourished you. Not with blood. With milk. It was no affection.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF1C48nv2CC
It was a kind of control I had never known before. And I did not know whether it frightened me more… or intoxicated me.
And then to clean you? That was a tiresome duty.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2WtwjsaBdO
Would you believe I was completely unprepared for the sheer flood of bodily excretions an infant can produce? Blood I understood. Its texture, its sublime consistency. But this? This godless broth of milk and bile?325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoME2uuC4lJ
It was… humbling.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbA2Y44Z86m
At first I wore gloves. Silk, of course. But eventually I accepted it as part of the experience, if you will. I washed you with river water that I heated over an old iron pan, muttering a string of curses like a deranged witch while you kicked and screamed. You constantly wanted to grab my hair. An exceptionally annoying habit.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMIMtgM6w1N
I prepared a pan for hygiene. Hot water, lavender oil if I could spare it, otherwise chamomile, and scrubbed each cloth until it was soft and spotless again. Sometimes I boiled them afterward on the stove in boiling water. For safety. Steam rose in the silent hours of the night, my hands red and raw from the soap. The scent clung to me, to the walls, to you. And do you know what was most impractical?325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSRZHqHKzF8
You hated the smell of lavender.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzakRwmQoe4
Wrinkled your little face and sneezed as if the scent had insulted your entire lineage. So I stopped using it.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡak08jNa2Vk
Sometimes when I put the cloths into the boiling water I saw two bright eyes in the window frame. Golden, motionless, silent. Pointed ears like black brushes and a brown coat with black spots.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLyz4oHiHPf
A lynx, too curious for its nature, too aware as it stared at me. It watched me as if nature itself wanted to witness how a creature of the night washes excrement out of cotton and even finds it amusing.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtViLybZiQi
I decided to ask Grellborn about lynxes as soon as the chance arose.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpkdVXWydMx
As a druid he knows such things, surely.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ54eX1ZFkLk
I folded each cloth into a precise, orderly square. Stacked them so you could never reach them but always see them, only so you would know. Someone was caring for you and keeping order.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx35g9ijU65
I, a creature of the night, spent my evenings scrubbing shit out of cotton. I could not believe it myself, but it gave me a sense I had thought lost.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlw9niXYo5k
And I would do it again anytime.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXr34BwgtA2
Because it meant you were alive and I had everything under control.325Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwyLJ4sJ4HI
And perhaps it let me feel a hint of humanity again. It gave me a sense I had thought lost.
and then Add to home screen.