It was a long walk. I don't know how many days and nights have passed, maybe a couple of years have passed already. It was void when I entered the hole and it still is. I think it's an endless hole and a space wider than the universe. A point of silence is dominating the whole area. You can never know what time, day or year it is. And again I kept on walking and walking until a little flicker of light brushed past my eyes. It wasn't some sort of dramatic light, a sun or something significant. That light was coming from a child, a little child probably 9 or 10 years old, but her body was so small and fragile that she looked more like a five year old.
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I stopped walking and her big, hollow, doll eyes fell on me. She smiled as if she knew I would be coming and that I was someone she knew more than anyone in the world. Her smile was so bright, I never saw anyone smile so sweetly. Her white dress was glowing in the dark along with her shiny hair.
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"So you came," she said smiling.
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"I... I don't know how."
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She blushed a bit and said, "I know you don't know. I know everything about you."
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"But what are you doing here? In this dark? A little child like you... and how do you know me?"
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"I... have nowhere else to go. And how can I go?" That child said with tired eyes looking down, and grief became visible on her face.
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"Why? Come with me. I'll walk you out."
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"Oh, so... you haven't seen anything yet."
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"See what?"
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"See my eyes. Look deep into them."
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I looked at her eyes. No, it's as if I got drowned into her eyes. I was sinking in subconsciously... and in an instant it all became visible, as clear as glass.
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The floor I was walking on wasn't just any ground. It was a glass floor and one with countless cracks. One single misstep and I would be falling into this deep void. And that girl wasn't sitting on the ground. She was sitting on a mountain pile of corpses with no face. Shackles and chains were holding her tiny body. Chains on both of her hands, head, neck and body. And without even realizing, tears came down my eyes, making my cheeks wet.
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"You see it now? The things I see?"
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And that one sentence sent a chill down my spine. That sentence was enough for me to know her, this child, to remember that very familiar voice. It was mine. My very own voice.
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She giggled and said, "I am you and you are me. This little child you are seeing is you. And these corpses are us... they are all the versions of us that we had to sacrifice... compromise.
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Every time you gave up on yourself, on your opportunities, a corpse added to the mountain.
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Every time you surpassed your emotions and hid it with a smile, a new crack appeared on the glass floor.
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Each and every moment of your overwhelming grief, sadness, restriction, anxiety caused new cracks. All these chains appeared each time you gave up and didn't fight.
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I used to jump and get so happy when these chains used to disappear. Thinking, finally your burden became a bit lighter... but the very next second, three more cracks, three more chains and three more corpses appeared. We have been in a loop for a long time, right?"
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Her smile dropped but she kept on trying to smile with her face looking down.
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I dropped to my knees. I didn't have any strength left after seeing that inner child of mine.
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"I don't have any legs anymore... meaning you finally gave up what little there was left, right... fully... no desire...* cough* cough* to go on," she said forcing a smile.
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"I am sorry... sorry... I failed you... I failed us," I said while bursting out in tears. I only apologized because I had nothing else to offer.
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"No... no, don't apologize. Don't blame yourself anymore. The amount of blame you gave to us has already exceeded the limitation. It was hard, right? I know you. I know us. It was really hard. And you tried. I saw you trying... you did what many don't... you kept on trying. I will never blame you, never blame us... the way this world did, the way you did.
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I have been dancing on this thin thread for a long time... I fell and rose, again fell and again rose. It kept on happening.
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Some years I didn't try to rise up anymore. I kept on being in the dark glass floor. It was tiring... so I guess it's good that I don't have any legs anymore," she said with a smile so sad that it would pierce through anyone's heart and haunt them for eternity.
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I didn't utter a single word the whole time. I kept on listening while tears poured down. I couldn't even look her in the eyes. Shame? Guilt? Or fear... I didn't know.
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She started to talk again.
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"I was dying every day while waiting... not for your achievements or improvements, but for you to ask yourself once, 'Am I really okay?'... but you never asked and kept on hiding your pain... our pain... to not burden anyone. Well, that's just how we are, right?
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I can't give you hope or positivity like others... because if it was supposed to work, it would have a long time ago.
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Instead I will say... I never once was ashamed of you. I was always proud of us. Those talents that felt little to you were huge for me.* cough* Cause all along i only thought i was someone dumb and wasting my father's money...
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I wondered how amazing we are.
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You felt that too, even if it was for a very small time... alas, it didn't last long.
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I am glad we could meet. And I'm grateful that you chose me again and again when others called it selfish and abandoned themselves. That's why I am still here.
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I am glad we could meet before I withered away. You have many regrets, but the only regret I bore all the time is I couldn't ask you, 'Did we make it?'
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Instead I can only say, 'You did enough. We did enough... not enough to make it... but no matter what amount it is, we did enough.' And lastly, I can only hope our ending comes as naturally as possible.
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My dear older self... I loved you, I love you, and if there is a future I will love you then too. No matter how much you resent yourself, even if I disappear, my love will never wither."
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For the last time I raised my head and she was crying. A child so pure was crying but with an adorable smile showing all her teeth. I ran towards her trying to give her the hug no one could, with the little strength I had left. The moment I was about to reach her, hold her with my shivering hands... it all disappeared into thin air.
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And all that was left... was me sitting on my bed, staring blankly with tears at the corner of my eyes.83Please respect copyright.PENANANDuD0K2nMa


