下班回家，淋浴。508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNAxOfTA64m
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz1FVLR3m1O
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ3LHdZKs43
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLl10t1dypo
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7M6XzHYeSc
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY857pcRm7q
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrPkRXhj6Bp
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ03NCnAZo5E
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ40oIsw1biG
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUmQfGxtfo9
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvWlLaz7iMJ
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQoTPqi70Cv
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcTVWnVKyPV
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmjXcz9E3p0
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxOrnA6xoSR
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5OuNpYhdgW
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQw4OZMKUpF
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgD4Y9bl0pE
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWSrlAf0ul9
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG7eahwQvoy
啪——啪——508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOip5PqNAbJ
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ04417Td5tO
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxxAPjEzrpN
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhXEueH7HR6
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVXt62EYFtE
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuPAO1qsrhW
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0zVubD1yDk
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6tltG5lLDS
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNw8NslYxLS
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ82PjIodFV4
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiM6d6QZiwT
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ99RRgto2PF
算了吧。沒所謂。508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9tE0DQbiqX
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6xr2pz7Iu7
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7Kkr4JqNO4
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa85LU1rCer
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl5foptWUNs
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuowydYi8EH
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHUnRdLgWLm
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuaFHmGqOQD
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ091MmUblWs
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXV3qcnFaJa
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡarnR7KL7KY
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyAKR1eh6vH
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdB7mSzH96X
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3yGnYNF9kP
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj3oDHvFs9c
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡquCmvb6hkO
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiK2KdekNQ5
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAFf1uONEh6
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW4JWFqpmJv
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa7rUdBboVR
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbBuCwSwa1O
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoBvAfrGWvN
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡykDEe28fDT
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyPdJjKimjp
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMXrZ7ndalR
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPllpg5CIev
我頭也不回開門離家。508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiH8ltn6tVg
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDDYYsrMs9i
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgiC5GiemE9
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyK0CslL2fs
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTuiHXH8Kbu
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuaqR74Ygqr
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIJeiNssYDX
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzskFlEUSRa
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS1iahSw46H
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSRugSCwHeV
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrFOrxHYjLa
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOYhSQnRk1b
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAQq2eCxHm3
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU5p3PgSIVu
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhm5yccwWKN
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjOYq3kGHPa
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Hsp0lotvG
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyt7N2cxpWl
「你不開心？」508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0tru8h6oGI
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxbVvGCfK5y
「是的。但與你無關。」508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJax9aj0iSi
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXGf85TWEKf
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvKr9YAUNMW
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTCro3vMSJd
「還有菸嗎？」508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnqJL7leGLq
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKTwFP43pxy
「有。」508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFEsdtj6efD
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE0weIsPV9t
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuYZEVKyY8Q
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuAICNiQzZy
「俊仔還好嗎？」508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbMjTAOFHTF
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXfHZCkpxRB
「與你無關。」508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCTKIrERf9m
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡirrfn3OPwK
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBA2z7tLRbv
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmapmGGdstg
我幽幽一笑。508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡye3BGCkTG2
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwZuDbxuHFd
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ66es8Mue51
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuhchxambSX
「多少？我付！」508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡODxf0AGK2I
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj960LPaGUN
「五萬七千五百元。」508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOxkOWgwf0g
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3KVuGUVL3p
「好！沒問題！小意思！」508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVfyTO8V3yh
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV8W6zE8dXc
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnsT9p2forB
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpvpiYwFSju
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGAJszzbxNc
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYEfbUYdtVN
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoh0hQYEMAz
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkfGo8StdhU
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGstsyzaR1Z
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkq6AEEHy0Z
「阿顧，對不起。」508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4ifR3pdHm2
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzSlD0EA1Dm
「道歉有屁用！」508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCN75RlhPeH
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfGJT8wmI7b
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLL4pgx5b6c
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQmAFk1WCYZ
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj1gWHBjasq
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi1omeFNRMv
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJxnGXG8Avr
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSz7ZbItPld
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwVvy5XHdWi
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPqD3i4aGvK
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmjLmprf9ep
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhMbWrcZ5VC
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzUfAoQ4sbf
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJjBtHWZ1jk
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBhOk8P4pfI
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUekCxA1Cwv
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRsnrhay83A
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvW9yJapqVS
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrgHf8Okk6c
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ15UADVNQdQ
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsFZp62TxKi
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjgk2vICES4
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmshwwfKoQF
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMBYZENAeeg
我活該……我活該……我活該……508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdVBx5h2sJo
508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFU3R7xHw0z
我如此催眠自己。508Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡijvKdWkqMn
註：另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文。
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