下班回家，淋浴。291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMmeSKJ3WIv
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRWewNONDw3
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLGl4dTXDUw
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKxCY0iBkWV
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUDr5p4nn3p
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOPIvo8IF3a
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXYTQp7IJrB
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ8BCwDjarJ
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIxSV5z3CKh
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcwH5GNoIIW
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz4vNYazvZn
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQiy9uI1O8G
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlqnoz3w6gD
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz3ylgvUKTf
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQIbq5aKiKj
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj3gu4SDJLe
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD82bH6iZRK
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡocC2qlrXGy
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlIDqjaCwBW
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡho0SNUchEZ
啪——啪——291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCLSFfe4dcI
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCeWDrEbWrD
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZNBnhdQQxS
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiQF0VIfIOB
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtOCGjaCG1l
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ2KZPpbqZi
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqXNkbRAcYu
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaSd6TJ9zxO
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡabFImfRNbj
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG0UiHCFH5M
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlsZ7VVRM3d
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5pBjeC0e8E
算了吧。沒所謂。291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMRD3Vcb86B
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9DuVxlNom9
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi3LPGmT65a
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFFAY2gzzQb
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFyfURMbtBh
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuvH75OjnwW
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLXSiXooTPK
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnXHy4lan5X
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE5qZdrac2a
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEalqnm41Yi
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7rAPPaxpff
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9p0FVVk5MJ
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE9LXcoDwY9
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfZy0AgQujl
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXo73j6jeYP
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZJFZmyJsGq
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoDiRhV76oc
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaJw453r8n1
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEEgG6Zt51s
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIbI5nUEVvG
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLSxL6N05kr
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUF3XQiJqbK
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFqjg45O6zA
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwcc2anUHX3
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡexQTGW6r6Q
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOO6qjRmpR0
我頭也不回開門離家。291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwg2NZ0TU3q
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmTfZmcKQXL
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaNfkaPZz3S
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcDsQYNFUhA
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTEp5z6dPa2
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUfsl8h2XV0
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmktEy3IRiI
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLMLgs5HedX
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3MLbtHjY2q
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6cNqrRa2JB
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMtXV2WMiKw
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkha2i8xeHm
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡciPyd9BJ7r
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDBQWNkFrtm
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3WzbLfSfCf
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvte1K5jnZE
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfmnDCzU02t
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6GP4f4huxl
「你不開心？」291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB4kEBxYSkb
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU8pUWn7VcY
「是的。但與你無關。」291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEm2owFy8TV
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVWk4wHDTNT
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPX7cSXeQkL
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcXw1ySf60W
「還有菸嗎？」291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJldQOpG008
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB9tQXBwnzz
「有。」291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJvMEgFTROH
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWE2vaMk9tq
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLsZ8eKFSoK
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHUAKW0vHK8
「俊仔還好嗎？」291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwJHdL1vv6D
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIqbrbZb5Yn
「與你無關。」291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOkShE2oreE
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj6Gap2MDcU
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnUje6bkYOt
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4UGEoekdVY
我幽幽一笑。291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJP1YC0T3m8
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYjTiAoj3JC
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRutZdfeW6s
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCUBEhnnEgf
「多少？我付！」291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhKhJ8U7VxW
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEroW1VIVV9
「五萬七千五百元。」291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEHrHo9wQYK
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnZJKYeprjC
「好！沒問題！小意思！」291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlKo61izPvT
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxxdL8xNblI
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5FSS8Jfe5f
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmONh0VpeQV
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKHqRzdIYRG
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzL0g0vXvsb
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgJVkzOK0FI
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1IAZInFkBM
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhOo7ma38Fc
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNEIY7ChKCy
「阿顧，對不起。」291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZnpFjSfKhe
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEMcAYQBLjm
「道歉有屁用！」291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMcLDMaVqEG
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu4K9Y8GYVm
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ24tUHA8hDW
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKCklCNLqld
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuiLCHDr06C
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTyUAoUMMm2
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1XN4htuO7E
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBJDxIJXjdX
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYC29c7KORa
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ69cRAjdG1N
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd175bGTJba
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQKyP3wACi5
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡul4lzN6TnN
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoBHq299sQ2
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0D1Jk4U4hc
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoU5EZTwKYM
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQDsHf5W4wh
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVLxmjcELjO
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbG5018pAOw
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3w9K7HfIHr
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf6NX9scKzg
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzHN78FdXyG
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ87tbgoqdkK
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp9bCMm7HxX
我活該……我活該……我活該……291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgC9PrF3Rtl
291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1MtPKjoz7A
我如此催眠自己。291Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSyaxOq5lo5
註：此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文配合。
ns216.73.216.222da2
and then Add to home screen.