下班回家，淋浴。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS985YrwEry
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTUGrWf9U2N
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVCCSTh9fJH
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqmR3eTF5d2
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw4j4VzlnxS
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQQq7ewwMiA
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiNfojkE6yS
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuYU12eX73A
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmQSQA2kkQ0
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcUi18CP5fN
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaabPgyagYy
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuC32GZxiSr
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrCkO6jKeDq
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1UWB1eHdS9
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAHUmS8d2gA
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ73LyW6uVKw
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUIgIaEnFPj
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYrjdm3bnj0
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ12IQMoAe0u
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRILAa4Uwfv
啪——啪——286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJqDpktsVpU
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ84JcDnPyhN
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI6kATsDOdo
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWpP6tKvxwo
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzbMoYHdaT7
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgURhsqcocw
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf0HUqgtpdd
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqXlGyGUvGu
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsSMOALYFs4
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWjfy3A7LVA
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeci57ec4mu
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkfOyh44BRY
算了吧。沒所謂。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnTAGUouAsS
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoFChRswjDt
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdJqkt95Qsi
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXKZzfZm6Hq
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwPTDf3dm6Z
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB4SM2kDSjj
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBqAlYnhcvH
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ29KSkTGmTK
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDp1peuPFUd
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg00p32d5R8
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqeDM6gWBW7
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbRSNIBJ7fK
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfl0yfLF35a
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNxsY1n5Zx1
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1CUusQC90o
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJcB9eMq1DI
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvzYGML0rHy
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtJRHtsFVYy
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjMWlERmBvd
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf9CbWCted9
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfx43P0QYzI
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx5shXuisU0
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhtI0ZEg5vT
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvB007IAxBU
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYVjc27jhih
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUdjePE04nJ
我頭也不回開門離家。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4t64fO1vjV
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyQIThr3cEJ
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUuaIp971Rf
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2TUhTO8tO2
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ37Lc91FDix
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ2kxJxQTLK
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1TbK3hNYRa
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnD6Vpv1Nas
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRIcfSMsQUF
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfHp7ayxiN4
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuWh07hdXMG
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGoyuVaRhmG
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTfnuZj1r39
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ05qwqhCCZn
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLmTjYdXGkt
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzYDnMd2iPV
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaYmbSRCjKc
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdOBTWaJ7Ku
「你不開心？」286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNmsep9eZkV
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0rwTVdVorc
「是的。但與你無關。」286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ7rgrGnQqY
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu617ssAhEC
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHChKRGRvAD
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpgx2Bej8d8
「還有菸嗎？」286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE3yluOdkJp
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzvhcYHbkVM
「有。」286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMry0VGrZ6J
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3GbQr3ti45
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp0oFdbnqoY
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHYuZM0iM1i
「俊仔還好嗎？」286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1JpchVWPXs
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqdZM3gkpLB
「與你無關。」286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxdx9AF3LvK
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUzTCmt4zE2
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU26SyFDLu9
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtGKzUU0RN4
我幽幽一笑。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTFYLNWTATy
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoftwbYyvCM
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzyaDImrx9a
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXaFN6kaTBO
「多少？我付！」286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2fu4Ny088A
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ38iEhm06Ge
「五萬七千五百元。」286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡudf5P8872H
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0CGSB01XHT
「好！沒問題！小意思！」286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOprScRZAXe
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5xlby3CF89
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ855O0s7Q1z
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzFV6oocgCH
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvJEO1SJXCs
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjsEtDcGXs6
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuUB78XLJQY
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKdsiS3aM0L
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaAC8c0AHAx
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCRHeoetq8L
「阿顧，對不起。」286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7aIX3OJiNN
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiJBkOkAdCh
「道歉有屁用！」286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5GEcRqjdvi
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnhSyTYdB5I
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYxRlIaWzYf
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH4ydghzKiW
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi05bM48yzk
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMNZtw0pzwn
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHjUmUGNS1W
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEvr50VygLF
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0UToNRXUkp
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy0fP7ESq76
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsZ8ptZTLFA
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmcRfJkODsh
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg5tA1BGKuZ
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡluzKUaSjm7
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuxFfKYuPDY
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ322qdgE6Ua
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6hLdC2kgDT
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1s99s1XrDJ
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc5eMhkV1jo
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcU5SPdtKXh
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9ldwuh8HVM
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMLiGmVplR2
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡexTTgELTkY
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZOlg2T5HVF
我活該……我活該……我活該……286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy5kIBmP6UV
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiKbOotjecV
我如此催眠自己。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfijA9lfLLf
註：此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文配合。
ns216.73.216.140da2
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