下班回家，淋浴。288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbREuZcsaQu
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV2oPsURHrX
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY9NT6XHspS
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfoDhBD10u7
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡORGUPZMStB
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNruXkpz53L
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEC6mLm13W9
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6FhpVLzU6M
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDqdO6L28eI
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM4MMDx2aJ5
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwUf6AWcce2
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg1MEclbkhj
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtcIqqXEr3j
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5cxqjkjLTJ
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWWO4MY8v6M
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMcDzEpQeoQ
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKPMnB2RQci
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8io9kVwbmE
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuGmMmkdTVF
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ468TIYHrpH
啪——啪——288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWbP3jbfCaS
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡePiyrLNKsQ
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtA582IvJng
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd5CqaMP3JB
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTXVjLAiVg9
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq3P8zkfC5p
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡudkGLwFIET
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4DFbgPAwkl
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP8bacdTNAK
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeAYCuhjmKK
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOlo2oiFp7h
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNSc5JZnfjw
算了吧。沒所謂。288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkYynYEm5c5
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2S8vDHMol4
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk2drUeGF0Y
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvIWCkGDgd3
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLyLN5Glaza
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKnCefwDy7J
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiguaONOLeP
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8bP1s582fw
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBM9woboesP
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDsOXdLKzFk
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkunhnUH5zI
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ03HqFFeWUE
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDOs9sPLgVH
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYBYbLa7j8N
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvkzZWWcfrn
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHbmbCr4Vxf
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmUaxE420hG
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj8QInT15SE
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZtAgXLbGfK
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuci6p1WBK7
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡor7M80Kbs9
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRGHp8zk5kh
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgeH89run7H
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡijDvp1mfNg
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡksCY2ePtMR
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmKoXbLcxBs
我頭也不回開門離家。288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQP1spmjmoe
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV6tdBIVWkx
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPn6k6lZ8jn
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1Dk8jiaLOM
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOczu2KjANw
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY6cLl7ZVRV
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb7WUWOAOLu
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNZTQVbvUDx
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTR2De60slV
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ40bNZe028F
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT1rzIyszrs
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn75Tvj1O2j
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHJROwWw0lw
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGyFcdxN5Us
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ39fMCYf9yP
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtfGREAkySH
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQQb4SxJoyJ
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCN8AQhBUqX
「你不開心？」288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJZ2JHEcaMw
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoitv4Oi4W1
「是的。但與你無關。」288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkI2ADYVP91
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt6DRgJmBZB
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo2xOwnYEoR
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9riI8zkGNC
「還有菸嗎？」288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi3ICaxKRYs
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZuddaAxEKZ
「有。」288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYQehxM49eC
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk7YoshqAQj
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAYRa2XrCAL
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV2KtW71f3G
「俊仔還好嗎？」288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7HJAQqzDJU
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡahoi2H80R8
「與你無關。」288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj9Xs5M79YP
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJSP1QZ4yas
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZTspL2GaV4
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbhGk0TxE7w
我幽幽一笑。288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiTwbEZyhCQ
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1S2DNA0AjH
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6DQu4wsy2R
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUO4oZYpvaT
「多少？我付！」288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFwqh9UGzNu
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrZXyJvc1sc
「五萬七千五百元。」288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuNYPqjfkMN
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZmaVttptHX
「好！沒問題！小意思！」288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡskb8KLalBh
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYlSXlfDsqm
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvy1LMaNwAU
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi7KEBUFkHF
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkuHqkxPF0b
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhse4q2zjIw
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGm9bpZYMer
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ6NB0XsGYF
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMhdQtORIrO
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6xJqeiSCPb
「阿顧，對不起。」288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTkqPAweVdq
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXpZ1lb0VMO
「道歉有屁用！」288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0rVe49yH1I
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUT1NLFKnis
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqhpfgR8y4v
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBV94p8cGtC
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH32dLx9mFK
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi97gNNZrde
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoEAu3HdjcU
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwhXWdRJVOI
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv1BfinozCF
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWjbQZtJMlC
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkZQUSe5nKB
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb3nRrb8W2e
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjeO8yNrBbB
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9CrWGjSNsw
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNbexQgfOal
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqjMg6S95hf
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡThNVb46IMs
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTjMuxv6mh3
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmLecpSfnyb
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3etMt9rFKP
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIgZE0M8UPK
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAm3fqic1c1
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9SDmVn8r8F
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE4tSO5RfBj
我活該……我活該……我活該……288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvGO5kYWc6b
288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX4kZulJckb
我如此催眠自己。288Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSceLVerNp1
註：此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文配合。
ns216.73.216.222da2
and then Add to home screen.