下班回家，淋浴。284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAl5z2rRUAd
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtXlv8rDCNw
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiHYxtZOb73
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeeBMFbaVZx
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡymcM1GwKei
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8y8lrSUarN
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0ZUgTrQsOZ
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDt1EiG8pEt
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyLy9dDPjQI
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0dnQu7hAmL
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb5UKBamdrc
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEchbVrmk8z
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ9TxyfTkk6
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2HSSJnjve0
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfea6nrtPwX
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiw0i5CMzHw
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNfLuEYAoc2
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSJUcQtyFJa
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSBak57donr
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw3MnHweycY
啪——啪——284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaUtNAXD7sx
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBWC6KLLPQC
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4hEHQ6R8HP
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM1zGXASeAG
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVrjvcwlWRD
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGxTpa5ciA5
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsKO9OasTRL
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkplYVqQR4M
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxZcbetSO8M
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTkHs7s1NPN
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWB66WATB5o
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcwEk14eMxF
算了吧。沒所謂。284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBevzffoTYH
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVmanne71Qf
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhAkKsfRBBH
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhXW2BKAk6f
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJZmFvxcFkS
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ9ECEi8ejI
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ87jW3sMlZL
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQIyuaehs5I
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO0eLXVDXjH
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4wBPKiMqjg
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxoDkfVMr1H
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡis94g7CMd7
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFKII3HwVvG
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYglhgvtP2N
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2pW25c5L9k
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYY6Q6scWbV
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV2ZhgrdxtE
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE0rEuCDbpb
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVC7MncT37g
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5U1HsmdHIP
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1Cti9V4DEK
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG7jp8PZ6sV
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpgVPhC1TKX
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL0ftp1Zr7S
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLJ2TajSUGN
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjTD6CS6OoS
我頭也不回開門離家。284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡklgiCbVQ9t
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgAYz4VdrsV
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6UZZG69kRi
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEQPtDo83NS
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2njWU9fy1J
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrwWRl0z48g
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnlmoV5qv9u
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMkwo8mQnsU
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZlbZyvrRUA
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ33cU46POCp
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9zSfYfOrxn
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡur8oiHMIyH
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWhL7v2MdId
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDMTf8db2sS
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8V1UU33h4i
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡicCvGVtSXb
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJnmOcnUQXZ
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXgcwZHHleH
「你不開心？」284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbeC4xcm42M
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQeeNklbDSd
「是的。但與你無關。」284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa8vHzWF9bo
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUmyzR5xnfs
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEKvWavgfVQ
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9apLye8U11
「還有菸嗎？」284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdz2WXHF4k9
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP9N1xh69XR
「有。」284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgRVv268CcB
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgjIS2qGNd6
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSn0Bo8AcKx
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLskfAKPuac
「俊仔還好嗎？」284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVjfKQbjwef
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRCt8ZHycwb
「與你無關。」284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrapy15UCsN
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQblyZppYed
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2XFtMBS6kp
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlAKD78QLfO
我幽幽一笑。284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYU3EdB1VXV
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbgag3qki31
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJCZVj2BRko
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXjn9XMYmMC
「多少？我付！」284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsvMxP8Q67j
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtjX6eR9uHp
「五萬七千五百元。」284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhsVQQ9hPh7
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqLborAyMgX
「好！沒問題！小意思！」284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvafosClts9
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7rVzv2zuQS
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpbjDc5tVDN
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrdid3sRfqC
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5yeLHGm8Sh
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJUMRaULZSK
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbM8u0E80p7
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrOEo0O0b3z
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR9GMDaTYrC
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrSBF79uBIP
「阿顧，對不起。」284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgRkivvMl2Z
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrQcRhLuc5V
「道歉有屁用！」284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBlj1vzeMld
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWl2AY48ePG
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVkckpkDad9
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdOJMt7GJwl
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs03mnCwUnN
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7u6PxeTiyT
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOIzXhyBo8l
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Gdo6smWWr
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhupiBehMNS
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLjYTxnBqiY
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8hJqHhjd0d
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8y9uULUTYV
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGyG3oEESHm
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOwGoNGLsGH
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk2TB25WHn7
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN12xJNDJTR
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGmD2PX833o
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMkcKBYKhnw
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU6DHV89VQy
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJXyLOHrCx6
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡphg4vc2jtk
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvXxEbl5loO
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5vqZoBtuET
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXg41A99WfY
我活該……我活該……我活該……284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSXaycBOBhV
284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJs0xqdUpjI
我如此催眠自己。284Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFUikrqHhL2
註：此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文配合。
ns216.73.216.56da2
and then Add to home screen.