下班回家，淋浴。285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVIKVAPh9id
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我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnZhPxn6qIc
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf5iebUkWDY
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlnTrk7wAPz
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlQ7DW1WZJk
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiTvBotzAlf
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgNUcJcDoxn
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8zK5t52KlS
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUufiE2NBgE
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQVVpYwFQuV
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5hsY7QkRR9
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKuRMLszxoj
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWbXK7tqRNw
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrnFBWb2pEH
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwqAua3jBbd
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHhQ1DWejui
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPbCDgewhsA
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPZtT7LH1qK
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnYakXVrQKI
啪——啪——285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiSyB2RylaN
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3w5ob2BR2G
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX2bq9gAody
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpPINQYLWvb
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaEd19J3qrG
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3JjjFi6ULf
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxQ9sIVTwjB
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgajI470eLB
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6FujmrQPDo
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFNLzYpsYUc
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCtjXriPIWo
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh7cQX8E5wI
算了吧。沒所謂。285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeZWA5Vj8vy
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoMXEOX3Sta
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA9hTmO6Jmb
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOkhjeopWKG
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡolhHpv4dwU
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1ciHofu9aK
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO9NV4ZFHMh
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuzxy10vsdu
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTHWqCkYdur
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0DJylfceD9
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv3b2mGupQ2
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtmQyHbxA0l
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdS07GJnKfV
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpkXx93KL9K
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYpOQqU2v3I
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlHJvjkr4R8
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSBNdN8IgdY
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2gUfJRSaXJ
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmeqAESCEXR
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfHhFg2lqTd
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu2pfr9DnN7
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeFlaib30S8
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBuJo4QejBP
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡovxKHPUgaM
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd5q7DpkvSt
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA0FC73LHuH
我頭也不回開門離家。285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCBtHEQFeh9
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrrxDgUO7Du
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡADj9D2aU5U
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS4fFqkv5vj
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFqT42x2aOV
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeTzQcicCYs
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzQjQulEoZJ
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvnXHXyozII
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWH4N1vsNjt
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVNSTcZfRH9
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnU0tNndFeA
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWY8CN5HInQ
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDS3DQu0Uai
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk1rsikn9Fr
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiuT4j1AbQ3
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE7l5cMKkt6
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFr2u9oHwDL
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfr3b6OuQLD
「你不開心？」285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmUHycYntv9
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「是的。但與你無關。」285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcRtuGm1Qry
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4pPmEhWNul
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTRDoMbLHrp
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「還有菸嗎？」285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYJEbUAYeuN
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「有。」285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJJ3bZvK9Vn
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前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9ZDeGa5Rs5
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTkBWQJN9vC
「俊仔還好嗎？」285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyXjW2FOvEI
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8hLV9AD7DY
「與你無關。」285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqPdU90z8Ey
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFPnie0xkHd
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWlGNuwQmpT
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3jNQdWdYfI
我幽幽一笑。285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW9vAc42QAu
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpBj19XTXTK
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8fG761BbLk
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbEBOVHst12
「多少？我付！」285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJBgA0ABIx6
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmmShk5BFLj
「五萬七千五百元。」285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc4Uash21vF
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3HqupcszLL
「好！沒問題！小意思！」285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8wpbBwOLfS
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfJG8Jxn6Yc
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgIHWAxDB8n
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJPlIkwGBpM
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH20Twn3bW2
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8u8QmlGJkN
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPpB2DCnY9x
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDbQKjmB9w5
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡylugP9Fyn9
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6P6B6u1iym
「阿顧，對不起。」285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCyrVdnzsqq
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmlXu86A5fg
「道歉有屁用！」285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhQuhqulvgB
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOQ4esLTguf
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2Fcsi9x4D2
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSuMlCyztky
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡySJ5YIl9yJ
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC1R3WM5kx8
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOksnIvoaBv
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWm4nBoqWCC
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuEfM4PWHeY
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9FYcGp3GWm
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1PUFqXyOW7
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡelM4zLNwXN
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcaJlBmk2fG
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPHWcCKgKuu
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGY8vY1Eatp
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1Co1KFLEg5
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmSK0HHl69U
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrzTOkEQpgS
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwYLliHP0CB
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ80heCGramQ
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOy4FTqUZtj
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSrxSWRxUuw
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNHQRuycybt
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ86VqKY3wgx
我活該……我活該……我活該……285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7CFo2Zs1cU
285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡshliVdf6gs
我如此催眠自己。285Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmWMOoULkmQ
註：此篇另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文配合。
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