《狂亂文字》財洛 2021-12 - 才落

我在書枱前呆了大半日。熱茶已涼，但我未嚐半口，心思都在眼前電腦屏幕上——剛輸入的文字不停被刪。字越少，心越亂，人越躁。334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQm98mFJyrA
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不了。受不了。我離座往廚房換茶去。334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkCoxkoUkFh
334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwMYfsMpBqq
廳中老妻瞄我半眼，大概知道發生甚麼事，沒有作聲，繼續看電視。我對她的不表態不勝感激——她以最聰明的方法維護我的尊嚴。334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoRWaSP2Heg
334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtryuaSavMt
滾水撞上茶葉，水仙香氣隨著冉升白煙溢散開去。334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKn5SvwUe0z
334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqu72VOsZBv
壓力似乎一併消散。334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqpTsYyGYIo
334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIrozaeQpSi
茶盡。我再續杯。334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0CV7LSuueG
334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCzQRCNXwm8
添茶不是長遠之計——屏幕白頁上始終沒有片言隻字。334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDBZ2GOoWt4
334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtimOLfu9iA
嘆一口氣，慨嘆自己太天真可愛。怎麼會相信自己有寫作天分，而且一信就是幾十年。幾十年來，不停寫，不停發表，不停被無視。我只得不停安慰自己說旁人不識貨。334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfDPYtPVfiH
334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKyrnqPbXDj
口不對心。心裡其實清楚自己料子如何。但我還是堅持寫下去。334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzbXbEgKy0T
334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0P60QQML4H
是習慣、面子、尊嚴緣故，更是不想承認自己做了一個長達幾十年的白日夢。334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgmtmFLggV4
334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYeznYUaT4L
夢醒一場空。334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKVLjcv3NT6
334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8tVJ5gCwSH
我本平庸，無甚專長，唯獨寫作能力相對身邊友儕略高丁點。丁點而已，卻足以讓我樂透幾十年。334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡajINLJQXr6
334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXn6URKVSlJ
工作不順利時，我會告訴自己——我的專長不在工作上，所以被罵亦是無可厚非；人際關係不如意時，我會告訴自己——如果世人只能用文字溝通，我該是表達能力最好的人；走倒運時，我會告訴自己——我正在為快要誕生的偉大作品累積靈感……334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMyRSnSAFxH
334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbgMFEK9JVE
一切都是有意義的。如果我真有寫作天分的話。334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH092gPo67Y
334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfOoRAdK6Ru
捧著熱茶回到座位。身在心在能力不在。334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF0iccI6Kwp
334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoTGJYAmJud
在刺眼的屏幕白頁前，我又嘆一口氣。334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLRnh3gDBXy
334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMkTMgx2jlD
我不曾長大，仍是幾十年前那個我，沉浸在中文老師讚賞的我。同學們紛表羨慕我的寫作天份，請教我如何想出精彩故事、練出動人文筆。334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQTnbFl34jW
334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6CQ2v0phMo
我沾沾自喜。334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIL0HrcmaUz
334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxsKzwtSQzY
細心回想，我當時已覺竅門不在天分，而是努力。努力鑽研文字的運用，努力細味名著佳作當中的韻味，努力思考故事情節起伏，努力觀察分析人世百態……名副其實的將勤補拙。334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOotgLicPuB
334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUGYHeWoAqw
但我沒有向同學們坦白。334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTkQjcBQ24o
334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9zgAkP1zwQ
因為我喜歡被讚賞的感覺。334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG4CYD9I7Vx
334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHsix9SwwIn
努力，努力，努力。334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhre3dBMZtf
334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGtJs4E847O
我的寫作技巧與日俱增，亦在多個學屆寫作比賽中獲獎。334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvWFzyPmA6H
334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQwTZL5WF2q
我以為自己將來鐵定能夠成為作家。334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOScbleF05v
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以為。334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWifwRZnQuV
334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpVYGVp7YTA
告別校園後，我成為一個普通文職。普通收入，普通打扮，普通生活。334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnP1C9vniPV
334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL2kXyS1pRf
普通得輕易被取代。普通得難以承受。334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMTz8OnR8CY
334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkaS6qyEdLX
我不得不告訴自己我是多麼的有寫作天份！我是多麼的獨特！334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOIRibriWEx
334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA9toS7BQX3
某夜下班回家，我泡了一壺水仙，乘著茶香全情投入寫作世界。沒有外物打擾，我的世界只有我。一切如願。那麼順心，那麼安寧，那麼快樂。334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz1WenDPXOY
334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWk9K4PT3UV
我的作品感動了我。334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvB4DKEyAbu
334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeaQyxwOzup
我希望藉此找到更多懂我的人。334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdr1UoXUJF4
334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcSF6SO5840
幾十年來，不停寫，不停發表，不停被無視。我的世界與真實世界不斷相互碰撞。面對無止境的打擊，我不曾問自己為何堅持。因為一旦心生此等疑問，變相在內心種下「自我質疑」的根苗，一發不可收拾。334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡowlrMuiEda
334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLxf1JmtJbQ
無法接受自己幾十年堅持建基於一個沒可能實現的夢想。334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlpjOkvaFYV
334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdPLbAypLfC
無法承受自己生來就是如此普通、平凡、平庸……334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6GjHHe1D9k
334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2MFde7ZqBH
熱茶又涼了。334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsb9Dvz7n11
334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTg7VjXHq7F
屏幕白頁上始終沒有片言隻字。334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ37ymf7yMET
334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkwlwg2kJ3l
老妻繼續以不表態維護我的尊嚴。334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk9YvjsVYrh
334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWWnppHQZsn
我的作品只感動了我。334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyh7AFEHAKb
334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkRdwnRJhTz
因為我的感受只有我讀得懂。334Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsh3mMg7Amp