TW: Mentions of Self-harm, Su*cide.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU0Wg9SnIsT
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[BGM to listen to... damn, this song brings me back wtf]545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBtk4Kcttno
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"I know I've been complaining a lot these days, but I can't help it. It's because I'm walking down a path I hate, yet I have no choice but to do so. 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPb8UOSYyen
I don't have a choice.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOLcptLj14l
And I'm hoping that maybe, one day, you, or someone else will give me a magical solution that'll solve all my problems."545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡORUBJbxEC0
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"What do you mean? There's always a choice. Every day is full of choices. Life's just like that."545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqCqHF5khsF
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"Yeah, I know life can be unpredictable. So can't a meteor just come crashing down tomorrow and destroy the world?"545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGQcVpnAWwC
"Don't say that. If that happens, then we'll have a lot of difficulty trying to survive. Looking for food will be hard. You'll starve."545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPEDjYVmKEm
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As every conversation goes, it wanders off-track sometimes. We started discussing how I must have clean toilets, and was disgusted at toilets that were anything but sparkly clean.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXGaK8v67lN
"I know you're struggling. But after this period, everything will be fine! I believe in you. That's why we wanted to reward you with a trip to Japan at the end of the year."545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6aHsqN6PhU
"What period?! After I graduate, I'll just be doing the same thing. For 20 years. This period will never end. I'll be stuck like this, doing what I hate, something I can never bring myself to do unless a deadline is frighteningly close, for a long time."
"You see, we keep talking about the end of the year. I look forward to the break too. I'm so excited to go for a holiday. I was like that in high school as well; there was a camp I was looking forward to. But I want you to understand how difficult every day is for me. I struggle to get through a day, much less a week or a month.
I want to quit. Not in a month, not after I graduate, right now. This second. But I can't!"545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb9nFTKwk5W
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I wipe away my tears. Fuck.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXhvIgJf2EO
"You know, he was like this when you forced him to play piano as well," my grandmother cut in.
"You were saying, 'I want to quit, I want to quit now,' over and over again."
"Yeah, and I regret doing it," my mother responds. I knew she was telling the truth.
"And the consequence? He won't even touch a key on the piano now."
"I'm sorry I did that. But life doesn't always turn out the way you want it to be. If you quit, you might realise you're actually not any happier. You'll have nothing to do, you'll be more unproductive..."545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8U0EY188j8
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My mother starts rambling on and on about her own story that I didn't find helpful.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwSyaVX8Oz8
I almost blurted out, "why is it that every time you open your mouth, nothing useful ever comes out?"545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgVsrIRVDW9
But I knew she was trying, so I kept it in.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVLLXTzduFQ
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"What, so you're saying that no matter what choice I'll make, I'll be unhappy? I'll feel like this, forever?"545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq0KC3cRQhn
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"Hah, I might as well kill myself right now. 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgrMsvoZPfy
No, wait. Killing myself is too painful. I wish I could just disappear. With a snap of my fingers."545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOOiLmcq8De
I wasn't serious about taking my own life, of course, but wanting to disappear or run away was something I'd think about many many times.
Silence.
I could see the shadows cast over their faces as they turned away.
"Don't say that."
At some point, my father had joined us for dinner. A rational person, he would usually signal for my mother to stop talking and instead listen to what I was saying. We discussed gratitude, and my inability to study.
We agreed that whatever major I took, I'd probably end up in the same situation. So even if I were to go back, I'd have no choice but to take the same major. After all, it's short, currently in demand, and careers in the industry will get me a decent amount of money. Why was I so afraid of hard work? It's an instinct ingrained deep inside of me. 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ24WrbMObtg
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"I'm not suited for life."545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Ju5Evfyj1
"Everyone's suited for life. Just a different kind of life."545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgOZSiWNpPR
"Really? I don't think so. Then what am I suited for?"545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJtBt3REh9H
I don't remember his answer.
"At the end of the day, this is all coming down to your feelings, right?545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡedl7vxUbn6
And you can change how you feel."545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0yNCI7Q2Lt
"What, so I can lie to myself to convince myself that I'm happy? That I love my major? That I won't be so afraid of difficult problems?"
"Yeah, you can."
"How? I've been trying, what, all my life, and I'm still like this."
"Through God. Through seeking Him, and you'll be able to change by renewing your mind."
"Ha... and here I was, looking for a practical, scientifical solution. Like a psychological reconstruction or trick I can put into practice. But it always comes back to God, huh?545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgdsTzAILpw
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You don't think I've tried? I was brought up Christian, so why has nothing gone right?"
We talked about God, trust, and friendships. My problem with putting effort into friendships when they didn't seem to reciprocate or put any effort back. So I stopped trying. It made sense, right? They told me to invest more into relationships.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLLoqvkdidO
Hah. This is one thing, struggling with my life direction and being trapped into doing something I can't bring myself to do is another.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ82FwZzr0lC
"Well, try to pep talk yourself. Like looking in the mirror, and tell yourself how good-looking you are."545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSpzpCLl2lW
*Laugh*545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRVQeujoCwV
"What, you do that?"545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6VnmrKrhQd
"Yeah, I think to myself, 'wow, I'm so good looking! Everyone loves me!'"
We laugh.
"Yeah, but how's this going to help me to study?"
"Well, you can pep talk yourself to produce a more positive mood."545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9T6UOwp2SZ
A million thoughts ran through my head. What, like "I can do it!" Or that sort of shit? Even if I'm in a good mood, I have a crap ton of work to do, which instantly brings me back down. The guilt I feel for leaving it until last minute. The fear of facing work I don't understand. The possibility of failure. It's too much.
"Yeah, I know. I've seen people do that. I've tried. But I have a voice. A voice that talks back.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvPeBXVNCq4
It's a loud voice. A convincing voice. Every time, it convinces me to avoid what I need to do. I'm so good at convincing myself that I'm unable to trick it.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvuY2WDccZO
'Just A little longer.'545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1hfUjxgXVG
'Until I finish this video.'545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuMBt5yNS1t
'Hey, if you're feeling so stressed now, you should just play some games. Watch a little Youtube. Then, you won't feel so stressed, and when you do, you'll feel stressed for a shorter period of time. No?"
It's true. This voice... It tells me a lot of things. It's hard to differentiate it from being good or bad. I'm also really good at convincing myself to not think about it. Not think about anything. So I don't even have the chance to pep talk myself into doing work.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡikKTrLg4LZ
Just the mere thought of the things I have to do will induce a stomachache at times.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡePCR2g7o23
"You don't have to convince yourself of theses things. You don't need to say to yourself that you need to do this or that, or that you love your major. Just a little bit of self-encouraging words every day to improve your mood, and maybe then, you'll be more willing to study."
We talked about a lot of things, but soon they had to go to church. My mother was kind enough to do the dishes in place of me. 545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgXCYPdIZxb
I think I told them, "I don't want to do my assignment. Can you do it for me?" At least three times, as I was that desperate to not work on my assignment.545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVF0X3gp8Sv
...I'm still not doing it now. I don't want to think about it. I don't know how to start, and it frightens me. I don't want to work hard.
Shut up.
It's just words, isn't it? Just read a little bit. Ask ChatGPT? I'm sure if you ask your friend, they'll help you.
But isn't it shameless? So close to their deadline, and I'm asking for their help yet again, but I never have anything to give back to them.
It's fine. Beggars can't be choosers, can they? Come on. You can do it. Just... write a line of code. Call someone. How are they doing?
No no no-545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWgvZI0LWHg
I CAN'T I DON'T WANT TO I DON'T WANT TO I CAN'T I CAN'T I- PLEASE I'D RATHER DO ANYTHING-545Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTvirYyZAHz
...and that's how it goes... fear really is overpowering. I guess having to face difficult work just triggers my "flight" response, and I don't know how to change it.
Wish me luck, I guess... I'm going to take a shower... Although by the time this is out, I'd have finished most of my assignments...
Update: I finished them, but right now I’ve still got a lot…
ns216.73.216.6da2
and then Add to home screen.